Script review: Odysseus

Dear Hollywood,
I've noticed that you have been raping our childhoods by turning toys and books into mindless action films with no relationship to the source material but somehow you think that's "cool". Well you've gone too far this time. Never before in my entire life have I read a script that has soo few similarities to the source material that you should just call it fan fiction. The Odysseus script is truly horrible. Here's why:
Characters:
Odysseus: Not only does Odysseus character almost nothing like the classic character Homer had written, but they weaken him a bit. He gets captured by Antonious (who I think is a villain created specifically for the movie), and gets his ass kicked. Oh and just so they can make the character more 'relatable' they gave him a tattoo. I guess the writer thinks that the way to make characters relatable is to give them tattoos and have them say modern phrases (which I'll talk about later). They took away the charm of the character. When I read the script I couldn't find it in me to want Odysseus to succeed.



Antonious: Oh and they just had to make his costume "cool" by giving him a mask (yes because all people back then wore metal masks to battle). Speaking of Antonious I think the only reason they made him is because 1. The writer realized 'Oh crap you can summarize when Odysseus comes home in less than five pages. I gotta add in some made-up villain just so I can force this movie to be longer than two hours and 2. Apparantly evil cyclops, creatures with nine heads who rip your bodies apart, cannibals, angry gods, and giant whirlpools of death were too lame to be in this movie.

I think he was supposed to be Antinous (whose only in the book for less than ten pages) and if he is supposed to Antinous then the author mustn't have ever read the book to realize that Antinous's role was to get killed off by Odysseus, he never took control of the city, doesnt know how to spell his name and he never captured Odysseus. Antinous is a suitor not some warlord! Another character that has been butchered by Ann Peacock (the writer of this script)



Telemachus: I loved Telemachus.....in the book. Here they just reduced him to the stereotypical angsty teen with daddy issues. Though I'll admit I did kind of like reading him in the script. The only part I liked was when he got killed. They killed him. The writer had the BALLS to kill off the eye candy for us girls! NO NO! DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUTE! I'm sorry about that. I just don't like it when the eye candy IS KILLED OFF! HOW DARE YOU! YOU KILLED TELEMACHUS! HOW DARE YOU! Umm....moving on

Penelope: I think the writer did the math wrong. The script says she is in her 30s so I'm gunna guess that's 35. Since the script takes place 20 years after Odysseus's wild journey, wouldn't that mean Penelope would be in 15? If they wanted to make it more realistic (and not make it seem like Penelope had a teen pregnancy) they would have made her in her 40s or 50s. Then she would be in her 20s or 30s when Odysseus left. But I guess the studio wanted to make Penelope the eye candy and being realistic wasn't cool enough for them

Ok so let me just summarize the action. It wasn't anything insanely special. They changed the part of the Odyssey where Odysseus changes himself into a poor begger, wins a contest to shoot an arrow through some axes and then proceeds to slaughter all the suitors, and just changed it to this: Odysseus (not a begger) is forced to fight his son for the enjoyment of Antonious. Odysseus pretends to kill Telemachus , and then proceeds to light the place on fire and he and Telemachus start to kill everybody. Oh and I forgot to add that Penelope was in the room. Yes...so he locked he, his wife and his son in a burning room while his poor wife watches the slaughter. Worse part was that he didn't even feel upset when Penelope is assumed dead. He was like:
Telemachus: Oh mom's still in the burning room roasting alive. I think she's dead
Odysseus: Ehh.......Whatever
He sure does win the husband of the year award.

Dialogue: *groans* For some reason they tried to make it modern like Clash of the Titans so they included modern phrases like "Shove it up your ass", "mother fugga" and "I'll be back" (a line which I can't help but think about the Terminator). Dear Hollywood, if you wanna have your character be relatable to teenagers you don't have to have them say modern phrases, have tattoos. Give them issues that the teen can relate to. I wouldn't be suprised if in the second draft of this script Odysseus starts to rap, wears Abercrombie, and listen to Lady gaga. Oh and I wouldn't be suprised if the soundtrack is some loud rock music and the trailer includes quick action sequences, very little talking, and boasts it's CGI.

So if I could give Odysseus a final grade it would be a D-. Sure some action sequences were average at best, but the characters and plot are nothing like the source material. Plus I'll never forgive them for killing Telemachus. Suggested cast:
Odysseus: Channing tatum (I'm not happy with this script, so it deserves a crappy cast)
Penelope: Megan fox
Telemachus: Some good actor who can make the other actors look worse. Dear Telemachus you will not die a bad actor

My next script review

Coming possibly tommorow I will write a review for the sh!t stopper, the horrible, and down right unfaithfully adapted script known as....Odysseus. You see Hollywood is losing ideas rapidly and more and more books/comic books/old movies/tv shows are being made into movie. What better place to seek ideas than Greek Mythology? If you've noticed recently there have been a lot of Greek Mythology movies being made (or have been made). Here are some:
1. Clash of the Titans
2. Percy Jackson
3. Wonder Woman (well the animated one and possibly upcoming live action. Also I plan to write a review for two Wonder Woman scripts I found)
4. God of war
5. Untitled 300 sequel
6. Thor (well that's Norse mythology actually. But since It's mythology then it basicly counts)
7. The script which shall not be named (fine Odysseus)

Before you cry "But, It's the Odyssey. They can't go wrong!". Think again. Not only does the movie start when Odysseus comes home (so no Cyclops, Sirens, Calypso, Circe, Scylla and all the cool stuff), but they literally make up a plot just to force this movie to be longer than two hours. Plus they do the one thing that when I tell you Homer will probably role in his grave. Well I better go finish this god awful script and wonder why they didn't just make a movie off of the Odyssey.