Dear Hollywood,
I've noticed that you have been raping our childhoods by turning toys and books into mindless action films with no relationship to the source material but somehow you think that's "cool". Well you've gone too far this time. Never before in my entire life have I read a script that has soo few similarities to the source material that you should just call it fan fiction. The Odysseus script is truly horrible. Here's why:
Characters:
Odysseus: Not only does Odysseus character almost nothing like the classic character Homer had written, but they weaken him a bit. He gets captured by Antonious (who I think is a villain created specifically for the movie), and gets his ass kicked. Oh and just so they can make the character more 'relatable' they gave him a tattoo. I guess the writer thinks that the way to make characters relatable is to give them tattoos and have them say modern phrases (which I'll talk about later). They took away the charm of the character. When I read the script I couldn't find it in me to want Odysseus to succeed.
Antonious: Oh and they just had to make his costume "cool" by giving him a mask (yes because all people back then wore metal masks to battle). Speaking of Antonious I think the only reason they made him is because 1. The writer realized 'Oh crap you can summarize when Odysseus comes home in less than five pages. I gotta add in some made-up villain just so I can force this movie to be longer than two hours and 2. Apparantly evil cyclops, creatures with nine heads who rip your bodies apart, cannibals, angry gods, and giant whirlpools of death were too lame to be in this movie.
I think he was supposed to be Antinous (whose only in the book for less than ten pages) and if he is supposed to Antinous then the author mustn't have ever read the book to realize that Antinous's role was to get killed off by Odysseus, he never took control of the city, doesnt know how to spell his name and he never captured Odysseus. Antinous is a suitor not some warlord! Another character that has been butchered by Ann Peacock (the writer of this script)
Telemachus: I loved Telemachus.....in the book. Here they just reduced him to the stereotypical angsty teen with daddy issues. Though I'll admit I did kind of like reading him in the script. The only part I liked was when he got killed. They killed him. The writer had the BALLS to kill off the eye candy for us girls! NO NO! DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUTE! I'm sorry about that. I just don't like it when the eye candy IS KILLED OFF! HOW DARE YOU! YOU KILLED TELEMACHUS! HOW DARE YOU! Umm....moving on
Penelope: I think the writer did the math wrong. The script says she is in her 30s so I'm gunna guess that's 35. Since the script takes place 20 years after Odysseus's wild journey, wouldn't that mean Penelope would be in 15? If they wanted to make it more realistic (and not make it seem like Penelope had a teen pregnancy) they would have made her in her 40s or 50s. Then she would be in her 20s or 30s when Odysseus left. But I guess the studio wanted to make Penelope the eye candy and being realistic wasn't cool enough for them
Ok so let me just summarize the action. It wasn't anything insanely special. They changed the part of the Odyssey where Odysseus changes himself into a poor begger, wins a contest to shoot an arrow through some axes and then proceeds to slaughter all the suitors, and just changed it to this: Odysseus (not a begger) is forced to fight his son for the enjoyment of Antonious. Odysseus pretends to kill Telemachus , and then proceeds to light the place on fire and he and Telemachus start to kill everybody. Oh and I forgot to add that Penelope was in the room. Yes...so he locked he, his wife and his son in a burning room while his poor wife watches the slaughter. Worse part was that he didn't even feel upset when Penelope is assumed dead. He was like:
Telemachus: Oh mom's still in the burning room roasting alive. I think she's dead
Odysseus: Ehh.......Whatever
He sure does win the husband of the year award.
Dialogue: *groans* For some reason they tried to make it modern like Clash of the Titans so they included modern phrases like "Shove it up your ass", "mother fugga" and "I'll be back" (a line which I can't help but think about the Terminator). Dear Hollywood, if you wanna have your character be relatable to teenagers you don't have to have them say modern phrases, have tattoos. Give them issues that the teen can relate to. I wouldn't be suprised if in the second draft of this script Odysseus starts to rap, wears Abercrombie, and listen to Lady gaga. Oh and I wouldn't be suprised if the soundtrack is some loud rock music and the trailer includes quick action sequences, very little talking, and boasts it's CGI.
So if I could give Odysseus a final grade it would be a D-. Sure some action sequences were average at best, but the characters and plot are nothing like the source material. Plus I'll never forgive them for killing Telemachus. Suggested cast:
Odysseus: Channing tatum (I'm not happy with this script, so it deserves a crappy cast)
Penelope: Megan fox
Telemachus: Some good actor who can make the other actors look worse. Dear Telemachus you will not die a bad actor
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
My next script review
Coming possibly tommorow I will write a review for the sh!t stopper, the horrible, and down right unfaithfully adapted script known as....Odysseus. You see Hollywood is losing ideas rapidly and more and more books/comic books/old movies/tv shows are being made into movie. What better place to seek ideas than Greek Mythology? If you've noticed recently there have been a lot of Greek Mythology movies being made (or have been made). Here are some:
1. Clash of the Titans
2. Percy Jackson
3. Wonder Woman (well the animated one and possibly upcoming live action. Also I plan to write a review for two Wonder Woman scripts I found)
4. God of war
5. Untitled 300 sequel
6. Thor (well that's Norse mythology actually. But since It's mythology then it basicly counts)
7. The script which shall not be named (fine Odysseus)
Before you cry "But, It's the Odyssey. They can't go wrong!". Think again. Not only does the movie start when Odysseus comes home (so no Cyclops, Sirens, Calypso, Circe, Scylla and all the cool stuff), but they literally make up a plot just to force this movie to be longer than two hours. Plus they do the one thing that when I tell you Homer will probably role in his grave. Well I better go finish this god awful script and wonder why they didn't just make a movie off of the Odyssey.
1. Clash of the Titans
2. Percy Jackson
3. Wonder Woman (well the animated one and possibly upcoming live action. Also I plan to write a review for two Wonder Woman scripts I found)
4. God of war
5. Untitled 300 sequel
6. Thor (well that's Norse mythology actually. But since It's mythology then it basicly counts)
7. The script which shall not be named (fine Odysseus)
Before you cry "But, It's the Odyssey. They can't go wrong!". Think again. Not only does the movie start when Odysseus comes home (so no Cyclops, Sirens, Calypso, Circe, Scylla and all the cool stuff), but they literally make up a plot just to force this movie to be longer than two hours. Plus they do the one thing that when I tell you Homer will probably role in his grave. Well I better go finish this god awful script and wonder why they didn't just make a movie off of the Odyssey.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Script review: Thor
Now I havn't finished the whole script yet (I don't have the guts to. I'll tell you later why), but from what I read all I can say is "WOW". This script is like Lord of the Rings epic. It is only the first draft, and if they stuck with that first draft then the movie would cost over 300 million dollars. There is soo much going on and we get to see soo much stuff. There are viking battles, horned hats, weird tree people who rip your heads off, frost giants, Norse Gods, flying horses, and that's all that I've read in 30 pages and the script is over 130 pages.
The reason why I don't have the guts to read it all is not because I don't want to spoil the movie (even though I can tell that the final draft is 10000% different from the draft that I have because in the draft I have the Destroyer, Jane Foster, Darcy and several other things don't appear) because something about your main lead being a total arrogant asshole just doesn't appeal to me. Plus the fact that I always get weirded out when I read the part where Thor is sent to earth and things get all....freaky.
I'm personally suprised that this is being rated Pg-13 when there is a scene where Thor basically crushes a guy's skull with his bare hands, and so many scenes where I thought "When did this turn into a porno" (there isn't any sex in it, but there are soo many akward moments which make me think that the writers were horny when writing the script) Seriously....and this is pg-13? Thank god they changed that..hopefully
My current review (even though I havn't finished it yet): ★★★★☆ (it would have been five stars if it weren't for those certain....ummm....weird moments)
The reason why I don't have the guts to read it all is not because I don't want to spoil the movie (even though I can tell that the final draft is 10000% different from the draft that I have because in the draft I have the Destroyer, Jane Foster, Darcy and several other things don't appear) because something about your main lead being a total arrogant asshole just doesn't appeal to me. Plus the fact that I always get weirded out when I read the part where Thor is sent to earth and things get all....freaky.
I'm personally suprised that this is being rated Pg-13 when there is a scene where Thor basically crushes a guy's skull with his bare hands, and so many scenes where I thought "When did this turn into a porno" (there isn't any sex in it, but there are soo many akward moments which make me think that the writers were horny when writing the script) Seriously....and this is pg-13? Thank god they changed that..hopefully
My current review (even though I havn't finished it yet): ★★★★☆ (it would have been five stars if it weren't for those certain....ummm....weird moments)
Script review: Green Lantern
This might seem new to you guys, but I am planning to start writing script reviews for several movie scripts I have found. Some of those scripts include the Green Lantern first draft, the A-team (I believe it's the first draft), the ditched Johny Quest script, the first draft of the Thor script, two Wonder Woman scripts, and several others. Here's my grading scale:
☆☆☆☆☆: FCK YOU WHOEVER MADE THIS piece of crap! RAAAA!
★☆☆☆☆: God I hate this. Somebody needs to be fired
★★☆☆☆: Meeh. Forgettable. Has few good moments but a whole lotta bad ones
★★★☆☆: Good. With a decent cast, and good director this could be a really good movie
★★★★☆: Great! The pros out weigh the cons and I have no doubt it will be good
★★★★★: Better thanthe Dark Knight , Iron man , The Godfather, Star Trek, and the original star wars series combined! :D
So let's begin with my simple Green Lantern script review. Here's a brief summary of the Green Lantern movie (plot wise):A test pilot named Hal Jordan is granted a green power ring that bestows him with otherworldly powers. It also gives him membership in an intergalactic police force called the Green Lantern Corps, tasked with keeping peace within the universe
Pros: My favorite parts of the scripts are the scenes that include Sinestro. Man they (the script writers) nailed Sinestro. He is just soo incredibly awesome. He has some great lines and his fight scenes are cool. I never knew that Sinestro used a scimitar and was a great motivational speaker. Sinestro is awesome and I can't wait to see him go bad in the sequel. Yes Sinestro pulls off the old 'mentor goes evil' thing. The script is full of little references to green lantern and dc related things (for example: several DC cities like Star City and Gotham city are referenced) and there are some moments that both foreshadow the involvement of Star Sapphire and Sinestro as villains in the sequel.
Now onto our main lead Hal Jordan . Let me just say that I bet the writers had Ryan Reynolds in mind when they were writing this. Some of the lines seem like stuff Ryan Reynolds would say in real life. Hal in the script is both slightly funny (in an asshole like way), cocky, and just plain likeable. Ryan Reynolds is the perfect fit for Hal.
The action sequences seem really cool and I can't wait to see the ring constructs (even though Dc really does have an obsession with swords)
Then there's our main villain Hector Hammond. All I have to say about him it just "God I hate his guts". He does some really heartless things. Spoiler Alert: He actually uses his mind powers to force Hal (as Green Lantern of coarse) to kill innocents. DAMN!
Cons: During a very great scene where Sinestro is giving a major pep talk to the fellow corps members before they head off to find Legion (one of the villains) and he ends by saying the Green Lantern warrior cry. The cry is "WE! ARE! THE! CORPS!". WARNING THE CHEESE LEVEL HAS GONE TO MAXIMUM! I literally face-palmed when I read that. It was just soo cheesy and odd. Talk about ruining a perfectly good scene.
A major con is Carol Ferris (who in the sequel will most likely become the villainess Star Sapphire). A major problem I have with her character is that she is too weak. Spoiler Alert: Towards the end, Carol is trapped in a plane which is heading towards the cliff, and for some reason she could have just pushed the eject button but instead had Hal push the eject button for her. That's pretty weak.
Overall it's a very good script and I know it's gunna be a great movie. It is being directed by Martin Campbell. Stars Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan, Blake Lively as Carol Ferris, Mark Strong as Sinestro, and Peter Sarsgaard as Hector Hammond.
My rating:★★★★☆
☆☆☆☆☆: FCK YOU WHOEVER MADE THIS piece of crap! RAAAA!
★☆☆☆☆: God I hate this. Somebody needs to be fired
★★☆☆☆: Meeh. Forgettable. Has few good moments but a whole lotta bad ones
★★★☆☆: Good. With a decent cast, and good director this could be a really good movie
★★★★☆: Great! The pros out weigh the cons and I have no doubt it will be good
★★★★★: Better than
So let's begin with my simple Green Lantern script review. Here's a brief summary of the Green Lantern movie (plot wise):A test pilot named Hal Jordan is granted a green power ring that bestows him with otherworldly powers. It also gives him membership in an intergalactic police force called the Green Lantern Corps, tasked with keeping peace within the universe
Pros: My favorite parts of the scripts are the scenes that include Sinestro. Man they (the script writers) nailed Sinestro. He is just soo incredibly awesome. He has some great lines and his fight scenes are cool. I never knew that Sinestro used a scimitar and was a great motivational speaker. Sinestro is awesome and I can't wait to see him go bad in the sequel. Yes Sinestro pulls off the old 'mentor goes evil' thing. The script is full of little references to green lantern and dc related things (for example: several DC cities like Star City and Gotham city are referenced) and there are some moments that both foreshadow the involvement of Star Sapphire and Sinestro as villains in the sequel.
Now onto our main lead Hal Jordan . Let me just say that I bet the writers had Ryan Reynolds in mind when they were writing this. Some of the lines seem like stuff Ryan Reynolds would say in real life. Hal in the script is both slightly funny (in an asshole like way), cocky, and just plain likeable. Ryan Reynolds is the perfect fit for Hal.
The action sequences seem really cool and I can't wait to see the ring constructs (even though Dc really does have an obsession with swords)
Then there's our main villain Hector Hammond. All I have to say about him it just "God I hate his guts". He does some really heartless things. Spoiler Alert: He actually uses his mind powers to force Hal (as Green Lantern of coarse) to kill innocents. DAMN!
Cons: During a very great scene where Sinestro is giving a major pep talk to the fellow corps members before they head off to find Legion (one of the villains) and he ends by saying the Green Lantern warrior cry. The cry is "WE! ARE! THE! CORPS!". WARNING THE CHEESE LEVEL HAS GONE TO MAXIMUM! I literally face-palmed when I read that. It was just soo cheesy and odd. Talk about ruining a perfectly good scene.
A major con is Carol Ferris (who in the sequel will most likely become the villainess Star Sapphire). A major problem I have with her character is that she is too weak. Spoiler Alert: Towards the end, Carol is trapped in a plane which is heading towards the cliff, and for some reason she could have just pushed the eject button but instead had Hal push the eject button for her. That's pretty weak.
Overall it's a very good script and I know it's gunna be a great movie. It is being directed by Martin Campbell. Stars Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan, Blake Lively as Carol Ferris, Mark Strong as Sinestro, and Peter Sarsgaard as Hector Hammond.
My rating:★★★★☆
Saturday, February 20, 2010
The Talking Cake parody chapter two: Stop ignoring me
Chapter two: Stop ignoring me
Our four heroes were sitting in Claire and Daisy’s bakery. Claire looked straight ahead, and whispered to Daisy, “We’re on. Say your line”. Daisy perked up and said, “So you think we should get a carriage to ride in”. Will replied, “Yah, and exactly what time period are we in?”.
Claire shrugged and answered, “The author never really decided what time period this took place in. The book is clearly modern enough to feature Azerbeijan, and Ireland, but not modern enough to use swords. Yet we wear clothes from the 17th century. I guess we’re sometime in the 15th century or something like that. That made more sense in my head”.
Suddenly there was a puff of smoke and flame and a old evil witch appeared. It was Minerva. None of our heroes reacted, and Minerva shouted, “It is I Minerva! I have come here to kill….umm hello right here”. The others didn’t seem to notice her, and Claire took a deep whiff of the air and said, “Eww what’s that smell. Daisy did you leave the fire on?”
Minerva shot some energy blasts at the, but Claire, Daisy and Will managed to avoid them. Claire shouted in fear, “ Who could have done such a thing? Oh my god, Carlisa must be in here invisible. Clearly this must be Carlisa”.
Minerva sobbed, “Stop ignoring me”. Will said, “Yah I mean why would the author waste her time with the other witches. Carlisa clearly is the main witch”. Minerva whimpered, “Stop…ignoring me! Anne you better talk about me more. I’m a villain too right”
Me: Sorry your being cut due to the fact that basicly Carlisa is the main villain.
Minerva was in disbelief with the author’s decision, and yelled, “ So is that why your having them ignore me!? Because I’m not as important as Carlisa!”
Me: Basically. Ever wonder why this scene never made it in the final novel
Minverva: God I hate literature
NOW BACK TO THE ACTION:
Claire wondered, “Ok so that was weird. So you were saying we should get a carriage? Yah so thankfully we’ll forget common sense and have a carriage appear in the next ten minutes”.
MEANWHILE SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY IN A PLACE THAT IS NEVER ACTUALLY NAMED:
Carlisa was reading the script to the remake and mumbled, “Wait so I had an affair with…” before Carlisa could reveal any details about the remake, Minerva ran up to her and cried, “CARLISA STOP!” Carlisa stopped, rolled her eyes and said, “What?”. Minerva quickly explained that the author is attempting to keep details about the remake a secret other than the details already released to the public. Carlisa then asked Minerva seriously, “Did you kill Will?”. Minerva answered, “He didn’t even look at me. But you still love me, don’t you”. Carlisa was too busy looking at her nails, and said, “Girl, not even the author loves you”. Minerva slumped in sadness, and blubbered, “I guess I might as well go off screen till the author decides to have either Will, Claire, Daisy..err not Daisy, or Trevor kill me off. Bye audience”.
Minerva walked off screen and doesn’t return for another couple chapters.
Carlisa, ignoring Minerva, walked over to the window where a generic black crow with bright red eyes was perched on the mantle. She said to the bird, “Find me Prince Will of Nohavia, and let me know exactly where he is. Go…now!”. The bird flew off and Carlisa thought, “God I’m soo bad-ass”.
Our four heroes were sitting in Claire and Daisy’s bakery. Claire looked straight ahead, and whispered to Daisy, “We’re on. Say your line”. Daisy perked up and said, “So you think we should get a carriage to ride in”. Will replied, “Yah, and exactly what time period are we in?”.
Claire shrugged and answered, “The author never really decided what time period this took place in. The book is clearly modern enough to feature Azerbeijan, and Ireland, but not modern enough to use swords. Yet we wear clothes from the 17th century. I guess we’re sometime in the 15th century or something like that. That made more sense in my head”.
Suddenly there was a puff of smoke and flame and a old evil witch appeared. It was Minerva. None of our heroes reacted, and Minerva shouted, “It is I Minerva! I have come here to kill….umm hello right here”. The others didn’t seem to notice her, and Claire took a deep whiff of the air and said, “Eww what’s that smell. Daisy did you leave the fire on?”
Minerva shot some energy blasts at the, but Claire, Daisy and Will managed to avoid them. Claire shouted in fear, “ Who could have done such a thing? Oh my god, Carlisa must be in here invisible. Clearly this must be Carlisa”.
Minerva sobbed, “Stop ignoring me”. Will said, “Yah I mean why would the author waste her time with the other witches. Carlisa clearly is the main witch”. Minerva whimpered, “Stop…ignoring me! Anne you better talk about me more. I’m a villain too right”
Me: Sorry your being cut due to the fact that basicly Carlisa is the main villain.
Minerva was in disbelief with the author’s decision, and yelled, “ So is that why your having them ignore me!? Because I’m not as important as Carlisa!”
Me: Basically. Ever wonder why this scene never made it in the final novel
Minverva: God I hate literature
NOW BACK TO THE ACTION:
Claire wondered, “Ok so that was weird. So you were saying we should get a carriage? Yah so thankfully we’ll forget common sense and have a carriage appear in the next ten minutes”.
MEANWHILE SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY IN A PLACE THAT IS NEVER ACTUALLY NAMED:
Carlisa was reading the script to the remake and mumbled, “Wait so I had an affair with…” before Carlisa could reveal any details about the remake, Minerva ran up to her and cried, “CARLISA STOP!” Carlisa stopped, rolled her eyes and said, “What?”. Minerva quickly explained that the author is attempting to keep details about the remake a secret other than the details already released to the public. Carlisa then asked Minerva seriously, “Did you kill Will?”. Minerva answered, “He didn’t even look at me. But you still love me, don’t you”. Carlisa was too busy looking at her nails, and said, “Girl, not even the author loves you”. Minerva slumped in sadness, and blubbered, “I guess I might as well go off screen till the author decides to have either Will, Claire, Daisy..err not Daisy, or Trevor kill me off. Bye audience”.
Minerva walked off screen and doesn’t return for another couple chapters.
Carlisa, ignoring Minerva, walked over to the window where a generic black crow with bright red eyes was perched on the mantle. She said to the bird, “Find me Prince Will of Nohavia, and let me know exactly where he is. Go…now!”. The bird flew off and Carlisa thought, “God I’m soo bad-ass”.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Final results for the Mary sue quiz
Not suprisingly Nancy was the biggest Mary sue (at 81 points), then suprisingly Claire was the second Mary sue (at 76 points I think), Will was next, then Daisy, and Ariel at the last. Wow I thought Claire would be the least Mary-Suish, but I guess not. I was even more suprised that Ariel was the least Mary Suish. I intentionally based her off of me, and I made it a wish fulfillment. But I guess that since she gave up some times, and she was pretty selfish (but in an unintentional way. So wow my prediction was partialy wrong. Nancy was the biggest Mary sue (though I'd count her as a angsty sue because she spent most of the time moping, and having bad stuff happen to her).
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The Mary sue test
I have five characters from several of my books, and we're going to see whose the bigger Mary Sue/Gary stu. Our contestants are Daisy, Claire and Will from the original Talking Cake, Ariel from The Race to the City of Gold and Nancy from the Diary of a Lipgloss addict. I found a Mary Sue litmus test and we"ll see which one is the bigger Mary sue. All I have to do is answer some simple questions and then the tally up the number of answers selected and then it will reveal if your character is a Mary sue. This is the grading scale.
0-16 Points
Most likely Not-Sue. Characters at this level could probably take a little spicing up without hurting them any.
17-21
Probably not a Mary-Sue, although a character can go either way at this point. Fanfiction writers should pay attention to ensure that their characters aren't getting too Sue-ish. For an RPG or original fiction character, however, you're probably perfectly fine.
22-29
Some definite Sue-like tendancies here. A little polishing might be in order to put original fiction and RPG characters back into the balance, especially if Kirking is involved. Fanfiction characters should probably have some work done.
30+
Fanfiction authors beware - Mary's on the loose. There's still a chance you can save this character with some TLC, though. Role-players and original fiction characters, you should also strongly consider giving your character a workover.
36+
Fanfiction authors, you might just want to start over. Role-players and original fiction authors, at this point your characters are likely to provoke eye-rolling and exclaimations of "yeah, right!" from your readers. (Well, at least from me.) Immediate workover is probably in order.
50+
Kill it dead. Or make sure you read the instructions properly (some people don't do this, which causes freakishly high scores) and take the test again.
I'm predicting that Nancy will be the biggest sue, following Will, then Ariel, then Daisy, and Claire at the last. Let's see what the final results are. *results will be posted later*
0-16 Points
Most likely Not-Sue. Characters at this level could probably take a little spicing up without hurting them any.
17-21
Probably not a Mary-Sue, although a character can go either way at this point. Fanfiction writers should pay attention to ensure that their characters aren't getting too Sue-ish. For an RPG or original fiction character, however, you're probably perfectly fine.
22-29
Some definite Sue-like tendancies here. A little polishing might be in order to put original fiction and RPG characters back into the balance, especially if Kirking is involved. Fanfiction characters should probably have some work done.
30+
Fanfiction authors beware - Mary's on the loose. There's still a chance you can save this character with some TLC, though. Role-players and original fiction characters, you should also strongly consider giving your character a workover.
36+
Fanfiction authors, you might just want to start over. Role-players and original fiction authors, at this point your characters are likely to provoke eye-rolling and exclaimations of "yeah, right!" from your readers. (Well, at least from me.) Immediate workover is probably in order.
50+
Kill it dead. Or make sure you read the instructions properly (some people don't do this, which causes freakishly high scores) and take the test again.
I'm predicting that Nancy will be the biggest sue, following Will, then Ariel, then Daisy, and Claire at the last. Let's see what the final results are. *results will be posted later*
Who stays and who goes: Daisy or the three other witches
In the Talking Cake original, Daisy serves a serious role (but that role kinda dwindles throughout the book until the end), anf the three witches were the villains. So who serves a greater role. The three witches (I'm not including Carlisa, because she is 100% going to be in the remake), or Daisy (our stereotypical damsel in distress). First lets see how each character impacted the story:
Daisy: The first part of the book, her only goal seemed to be just being with Will, and most of the time she was a damsel. Near the end was when she finally showed that she can kick ass (she killed Carlisa). My only problem with her is that she seemed too stereotypical, and didn't really help the story till the end
The 3 witches: Minerva, Drisela, and.....Laverna (I always forget their names) main purpose in the book was to make the fight even. You know 4 vs 4. I also made them so each of the heroes could kill a witch. Despite the fact that Carlisa was the youngest, she some how managed to have leadership over the group.
So who stays? The stereotypical damsel who really didn't help the story, or the three witches who were only purpose was to let each of the heroes kill one. The person(s) who will go to the remake is....Daisy! Yah the only evil witch (god that's cliche) will be Carlisa, even though she really was the only villain in the original and the others were kinda more like henchmen than actual villains.
Daisy: The first part of the book, her only goal seemed to be just being with Will, and most of the time she was a damsel. Near the end was when she finally showed that she can kick ass (she killed Carlisa). My only problem with her is that she seemed too stereotypical, and didn't really help the story till the end
The 3 witches: Minerva, Drisela, and.....Laverna (I always forget their names) main purpose in the book was to make the fight even. You know 4 vs 4. I also made them so each of the heroes could kill a witch. Despite the fact that Carlisa was the youngest, she some how managed to have leadership over the group.
So who stays? The stereotypical damsel who really didn't help the story, or the three witches who were only purpose was to let each of the heroes kill one. The person(s) who will go to the remake is....Daisy! Yah the only evil witch (god that's cliche) will be Carlisa, even though she really was the only villain in the original and the others were kinda more like henchmen than actual villains.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The Talking Cake: A parody
So I have been working on a spoof of the Talking Cake. Here is the first chapter of parody. *note my characters do break the fourth wall a lot*
Our story begins in the cliché town of Septleford. You know the type of village where everybody is happy-doodly happy and everybody is stupid enough to not realize that the two main characters are witches. That type of village. An old man, who will no longer have a purpose after this scene, came into the small bakery where our heroines live. Claire, our stereotypical savior, and Daisy, our stereotypical dumb blonde (who never really acts that dumb) have been preparing some bakery goods (because that’s what bakers do. In this fictional world women can own a business). Claire turned to Daisy and said, “Daisy, the plot device is heading this way”. Daisy looked over to Claire and said in a pirky voice, “Now? I thought we had more time”. Claire replied, “No we gotta rush this story, remember?”. Daisy nodded.
The old man leisurely shambled his way (see I’m raping the thesaurus) to the ladies and said, “Hi I’m the plot device. Here’s the magical potion, don’t ask me how I got it. It’s never explained. Well…that’s all the time the author gave me. Adieu ladies”. He left without saying another word and that’s the last you‘ll ever see and hear of him.
Claire looked down at the potion and said, “Well I guess the plot starts now. I might as well put this potion, which is clearly a just a normal potion that I got from a creepy old man, onto a cake and then leave. Come on Daisy, lets go”. The two leave, and the stereotypical handsome prince starts to form.
That night as Claire and Daisy slept, Daisy whispered, “So I was originally supposed to be this girl named Sarah. You know a self insert, but the author decided to make me a total airhead. Sucks doesn’t it”. Claire nodded, and wondered, “Wait why the hell are we sleeping over at the bakery when the author clearly states that we have a house? Wow this author will do anything to force this story to begin”. Claire waited a couple seconds before she heard the stereotypical prince calling for help. Claire sighed and walked over to the bakery area where the cakey prince was residing. Claire jumped with a fright, and thought, “Ok surprised reaction is done”.
Claire looked down at the cake with the face and said, “What the hell? This doesn’t make sense”. The cake replied seriously, “Nothing in this book is meant to make sense. Ok so I’m Will, I’ll be the main price of this book, and yah I’m a cake. Oh now don’t worry about me being a cake for long. I’ll only be a cake for one chapter, which totally defeats the purpose of this book being called The Talking Cake ”. Claire nodded with agreement, she then said, “So I’m guessing your going to tell us about the four witches”. The cake nodded (because in this book cakes can nodd), and said, “Yah so there are four witches who cursed me and my country of Nohavia. And now for some reason you have to help me. You know the cliché stuff. These witches can only be killed by other witches, or if their wand is broken”.
Claire asked, “Wait so they can be killed if their wands are broken, so why is there the whole ‘only witches can kill witches’ thing?”. The cake calmly replied, “The author wanted to make it so each of the main heroes gets to kill a witch. I’m not the author, so I’m not supposed to know these things. Let’s just ignore it and hope the audience forgets about it. So…I hope you’re a special kind of which whose wand can be broken and you can still live”. Claire nodded, knowing that the canon the author set out was altered so it would be harder for Claire to die. The prince, whose name is William (hint hint his name means strong-willed warrior), then said happily, “Ok so that’s enough character development. Bring on my love interest”. Claire then called for Daisy, and Daisy skipped into the room. Once she saw Will’s cake face, she exclaimed, “Even though I just met you, I find myself drawn to you”.
Will was pleased and said, “Well we got a couple minutes to prepare before the adventure starts. I hope you girls can easily pick up skills”. Claire and Daisy nodded, but Daisy was too enthralled in Will’s beautiful face. Will said, “So I’m guessing that’s the end of chapter one”. Claire sighed, “Yah, so…did anything get accomplished?” Will shook his head no and said, “Nothing really. So I guess we should probably leave and find some way to get ourselves in trouble”. The others agreed and left. Meanwhile somewhere far away the four witches were devising a plan to kill Will (which is what all villains seem to do these days)
Hope you like it, more might come soon.
Our story begins in the cliché town of Septleford. You know the type of village where everybody is happy-doodly happy and everybody is stupid enough to not realize that the two main characters are witches. That type of village. An old man, who will no longer have a purpose after this scene, came into the small bakery where our heroines live. Claire, our stereotypical savior, and Daisy, our stereotypical dumb blonde (who never really acts that dumb) have been preparing some bakery goods (because that’s what bakers do. In this fictional world women can own a business). Claire turned to Daisy and said, “Daisy, the plot device is heading this way”. Daisy looked over to Claire and said in a pirky voice, “Now? I thought we had more time”. Claire replied, “No we gotta rush this story, remember?”. Daisy nodded.
The old man leisurely shambled his way (see I’m raping the thesaurus) to the ladies and said, “Hi I’m the plot device. Here’s the magical potion, don’t ask me how I got it. It’s never explained. Well…that’s all the time the author gave me. Adieu ladies”. He left without saying another word and that’s the last you‘ll ever see and hear of him.
Claire looked down at the potion and said, “Well I guess the plot starts now. I might as well put this potion, which is clearly a just a normal potion that I got from a creepy old man, onto a cake and then leave. Come on Daisy, lets go”. The two leave, and the stereotypical handsome prince starts to form.
That night as Claire and Daisy slept, Daisy whispered, “So I was originally supposed to be this girl named Sarah. You know a self insert, but the author decided to make me a total airhead. Sucks doesn’t it”. Claire nodded, and wondered, “Wait why the hell are we sleeping over at the bakery when the author clearly states that we have a house? Wow this author will do anything to force this story to begin”. Claire waited a couple seconds before she heard the stereotypical prince calling for help. Claire sighed and walked over to the bakery area where the cakey prince was residing. Claire jumped with a fright, and thought, “Ok surprised reaction is done”.
Claire looked down at the cake with the face and said, “What the hell? This doesn’t make sense”. The cake replied seriously, “Nothing in this book is meant to make sense. Ok so I’m Will, I’ll be the main price of this book, and yah I’m a cake. Oh now don’t worry about me being a cake for long. I’ll only be a cake for one chapter, which totally defeats the purpose of this book being called The Talking Cake ”. Claire nodded with agreement, she then said, “So I’m guessing your going to tell us about the four witches”. The cake nodded (because in this book cakes can nodd), and said, “Yah so there are four witches who cursed me and my country of Nohavia. And now for some reason you have to help me. You know the cliché stuff. These witches can only be killed by other witches, or if their wand is broken”.
Claire asked, “Wait so they can be killed if their wands are broken, so why is there the whole ‘only witches can kill witches’ thing?”. The cake calmly replied, “The author wanted to make it so each of the main heroes gets to kill a witch. I’m not the author, so I’m not supposed to know these things. Let’s just ignore it and hope the audience forgets about it. So…I hope you’re a special kind of which whose wand can be broken and you can still live”. Claire nodded, knowing that the canon the author set out was altered so it would be harder for Claire to die. The prince, whose name is William (hint hint his name means strong-willed warrior), then said happily, “Ok so that’s enough character development. Bring on my love interest”. Claire then called for Daisy, and Daisy skipped into the room. Once she saw Will’s cake face, she exclaimed, “Even though I just met you, I find myself drawn to you”.
Will was pleased and said, “Well we got a couple minutes to prepare before the adventure starts. I hope you girls can easily pick up skills”. Claire and Daisy nodded, but Daisy was too enthralled in Will’s beautiful face. Will said, “So I’m guessing that’s the end of chapter one”. Claire sighed, “Yah, so…did anything get accomplished?” Will shook his head no and said, “Nothing really. So I guess we should probably leave and find some way to get ourselves in trouble”. The others agreed and left. Meanwhile somewhere far away the four witches were devising a plan to kill Will (which is what all villains seem to do these days)
Hope you like it, more might come soon.
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