How to write for Harlequin

I've recently been looking through some Harlequin novels, and I've noticed that most Harlequin novels contain some of the same things. So i decided to make a "How to" guide to writing Harlequin novels using the things that I've found.

Characters all together:

• Must be white(unless in African American romance)
• The only people who die are the elderly, ex-wives/husbands, and minor character. The hero and heroine can never die. If they do, they must come back to life by their true love’s kiss, or by either the hero/heroine’s healing powers.
• They must be beautiful
• Be in their early or mid twenties, early 30’s occasionally acceptable
• Must be Christians
• Don’t believe in abstinence, unless you are writing a Harlequin inspirational

• Males
• Must be handsome
• Must be either billionaire/millionaire/tycoon/boss/prince/doctor/or other glamouras proffesion
• If a dad: be perfect in every possible way
• Not be a virgin. Only females can be virgins
• Great at sex
• If they are a billionaire make them arrogant, self-centered, and have the common playboy-attitude
• the hero gets the heroine pregnant, he will instantly take responsibility for his actions, marry the girl, and take care of the child. He will never ask twice whether or not he is sure the baby is actually his
• Be dominating and always know how a win a girl no matter how stubborn she is or resists his temptations
  
  Females:
• Be gorgeous beyond belief. They must have long hair(preferably blonde), be thin, and have to be either D-cup or at least B cup. Being curvy is a preffered thing, but it is not needed. They can never be average looking, nor can they be “nerdy”(they can be nerdy but they still must be gorgeous). They can deny it, but we all know they are gorgeous
• Be employed in glamouras/unglamorous business but always have lower position than male. Example: Is the male is the boss of a succesful business, than the female is the owner of a unsuccesful business or a new employee
• If she doesn’t have or is having kids then she is a virgin
• Be stubborn, weak, and or shy. She usually shouldn’t believe she needs a man in her life, or swears off men after a break-up
• The heroine should have a small crush on her hero before the two fall in love.
• Thinks the hero is at first an arrogant jerk
• They must think they are independent but they secretly need the hero
• Bad stuff always happens to the female. Ex: financial debt, gets targeted by assassins, gets robbed, kidnapped, or has family troubles
  

Children:

• Must be under the age of 8. Eight is a stretch
• Be adorable, and innocent. They can never do anything wrong, except for an occasional good-hearted prank. They usually say the cutest lines like “My daddy is the gwatedest daddy in the whole entire world!”
• If their mom or dad is getting married, the child(ren) must instantly adore the new guy/girl and accept her as their new mom/dad. Kids are soo accepting these days aren't they.
• Children are never aborted, or put up for adoption. Having kids is considered the greatest thing to happen ever in every heroine’s life. If the mother ever gives up the child, she always regrets it later and finds a way to get the child back. The kid never asks the question, "Why did you give me up in the first place?".
  
  Settings:
  
• If harlequin presents: take place in an exotic place in Greece, France, a private island, or Italy. To have a story take place in the desert, the location must be a oasis.
• If Harlequin American romance: Take place in either Minnisota, Texas, New York, or other states Must either have many cities, or have a large rural population. If in texas; the hero should own a ranch but not work on it. They must be the owner of a ranch, rather than a ranch-hand
• Don’t describe the setting too much, it will distract the reader from the romantic tension
• If a Christmas novel: If they are snow locked in a house, the electricity will not fail so they won’t freeze to death. They also will have a good supply of food
  
  Plots:
  
• If in the Harlequin presents: a wealthy man falls in love with a poor, beautiful girl and uses her for his own sexual pleasure. Usually has graphic sex scenes, and usually ends in pregnancy. Having bribes, and having the male lead kidnap the female is also good
  
• If Harlequin American romance: A single dad falls in love with a single lady(who usually has a job that includes children).
• If Harlequin paranormal: A paranormal creature(vampire/ghost/werewolf) falls in love with a mortal
• If Harlequin Inspirational: A lady(heavily christian) falls in love with a man(heavily christian).
• If Harlequin Intrigue: a police officer/FBI agent/secret service/other must protect a girl from another guy who wants to kill her. It should end when the hero kills the guy who is going to kill the heroine.
  
  
  Must not does:
• Std’s don’t exist. The worst thing that can happen to a lady while having unprotected sex with a man who has already been with many women is pregnancy
• You can never talk about real-life issues like abuse both childhood or domestic, realities of war(only glamouras versions), and have strong heroines. If you have a strong heroine, always have her think he is strong but have to give into the male sooner or later
• A woman can never be taller, have a higher business status, or be older than the leading man
• Have supporting characters with their own problems. Better yet have the only characters be the hero and the heroine. It gets rid of the risk of smaller characters overshadowing the heroes
• Be normal looking. Every character must have unbelievably good looks, and never be fat. If your character is “plump” they cannot be belly fat, but more wide hips, big butt, and large breasts
• Do not spend too much time describing the setting, and other characters. You need to focus your describing ability on the heroes eyes, or their sex scene
  
  Writing
  
• Suspension of belief is nothing to worry about. You can make it as unrealistic as possible, but that’s what a romance novel is for. To give old housewives fantasies about what they wish their life was. Example: In Harlequin world, a prince can fall in love with a sexy waitress
• The only thing you should go in deep description of is the characters physical looks and the sex scene
• Happily ever after is a must. Nobody wants a story to end when the heroine learns that the hero isn’t meant for her, or one dies!
• A pregnancy is always a good way to end the story. If the main story is about a pregnancy, don’t say the bad things about pregnancy. That means skip morning sickness, and the other stuff that we all don’t like to hear about. If you choose to describe the delivery make it quick and painless(or overaly dramatic). Only describe the cherubic looks of the newborn child. Blonde hair/blue eyes is a great feature to give the child. It is recommended to make the child look like the father more than the mother(unless it is a girl)
• If you have twins: it has to be either boy/girl or boy/boy.
• The climax of the story must be when they have sex
• Flaws are important, but don’t dwell on them too much. The most common flaws are arrogant, possesive, controlling, or seductive. The more likable the character is, the better the novel.
• Personality is important, but don’t spend too much time trying to develop it. Characterization takes up too much time, so speed through the characters personality
• The title should include one of these words: billionare(or other wealthy profession for ideas look in character: Men section), virgin, bedded, pleasure, sex, captive, pregnant, inexperienced, mistress, lover, ruthless, bought, bribed, desert, island, bride, blackmail, convenient, or baby or a combination
• Should be shorter than 190 pages